First of all, I NEED LOTS OF PRAYER!!! I am asking for prayer warriors to pray about this cell group as well as I need a dedicated group of people who will pray for me every Monday morning as I will be volunteering at the Dream Center as a case mentor for the ladies coming off the streets and out of sex-trafficking. Please let me know if you would be willing to commit to this as I will add you to a prayer ‘group’ email list.

I am also asking for financial help to purchase a Celebrate Recovery starter kit – http://www.saddlebackresources.com/Celebrate-Recovery-Program-Starter-Kit-1-Full-Kit-P2402.aspx as well as some participant guides – http://www.saddlebackresources.com/Celebrate-Recovery-Participant-Guides-4-Pack-P569.aspx If God speaks to your heart about helping out in such a way I can give you my contact information or you can donate to my paypal on www.laurieishii.com I am saying THANK YOU ahead of time because I totally believe that Jesus will speak to people’s hearts about this! We NEED (I need lol!) a group like this so there will be a like-minded group of people we can be accountable to and we’ll be able to relate to each other too. I know very few Christians who have never had a hardcore addiction problem like me – who can relate to the lengths I’ve taken (lied, stolen, sold my body etc) to get my fix and it has been so easy for me to ‘hustle’ Christians. When I was strung out on smack I would actually go to church just to give people a sob story how I needed gas money or whatever – and I was always able to get enough money to get a bag (or two) of heroin on my way home from church!!! I am NOT proud to admit that but all I’m saying is that in my addiction – I can be SO scandalous!!! I need another dope fiend to tell it to me like it is, who will ‘pull my covers’ and who can see through any kind of BS I may be trying to pull, if I’m trying to pull anything.

I am also praying about joining a non-denominational group/ministry called ‘Ripe for Harvest’ that some friends of mine referred me to – http://www.ripeforharvest.org/criteria.htm – they take 10% of whatever someone donates which isn’t much – so I can receive donations from people and they can receive a tax receipt.

As well as…I also need prayer regarding my book/memoir. It seems the Lord is really having me make some drastic changes – my flesh was fighting it at first because this will mean I have to take out a big part of the start of it (which I have already written and edited) and start from the middle where I started using heroin…but now I’ve surrendered lol – whatever He wants, I’m willing to do, even if that means starting all over AGAIN from scratch!!! I really need guidance and direction with this.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!

My question is, would anyone who has AT&T iPhone family plan with unlimited texts and unlimited any mobile to mobile (only minutes for landlines) be willing to add me to their family plan? I believe it costs $9.99 a month and I could either mail you a check each month or pay $119.88 for a year?

So, I have weaned off the suboxone, praise Jesus!

Now I am asking for serious prayer, as I attended a volunteer meeting at the LA Dream Center, to become a volunteer. I will be working with the young women who are coming out of prostitution. After the meeting was over, the woman in charge had us pray as she said we shouldn’t be surprised if we get spiritually attacked when we left.

Well, I was fine after the meeting, came home and was fine that night. Yesterday was a different story! I attended 9am church service and while I was on the bus on my way home, I clearly heard “Isn’t today a perfect day to buy a bag of heroin?” I looked out the window, the sun was shining and a flood of memories rushed my mind. I immediately rebuked the thought and it was weird, because doing heroin is not even a temptation of mine – that is NOT even an option! I know it would kill me, the only reason I would ever do heroin again would be IF I WANTED TO DIE.

As the day progressed I became more and more depressed, (but there was no real ‘basis’ for the depression) and I cried a lot yesterday! It was as if there were a big black cloud over me that was almost suffocating. Sure, I’m still very concerned about my financial situation and I don’t know what I’m going to do regarding SSI or trying to a job or whatever. But mostly, God has been dealing with me. I have been going through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous – I’m on the Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and yikes. I realized I need to be doing this on a continually, consistent basis. I have so many shortcomings/character defects that without the grace of God…I don’t know where I’d be right now. I have made so many mistakes and many days I feel like such a failure, especially as a Christian. The 4th step isn’t so that we can beat ourselves up, though, just to get really honest with ourselves about our shortcomings and be willing to work on them.

Well I am willing. I’ve really been seeking Jesus, and He has been SO GOOD to me. He has shown me where I have compromised in the past and how the past couple years I have gotten so spiritually lazy and complacent. He showed me where I began to compromise and reminded me of the way I used to do things before – when I was in discipleship and the first couple years after I got out of discipleship. I was what some (even my own close friends and family) would call too ‘extreme’ – and although I should not put my ‘standards’ onto someone else – I still need to have those very high standards for MYSELF. I should not and will not feel embarrassed or ashamed for not allowing certain things in my house or around me from now on. I will not compromise anymore. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does – what matters is what I do.

I’ve realized that being on my own now, I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF!!! No one else is going to do it (well, of course Jesus will) but basically, I am accountable for ME. I have realized (again) that whenever I started taking controlled substances (i.e. pain medication) – unless I am accountable to someone, monitored and do not start operating in my addiction – I can turn into a total dope fiend, liar, thief manipulator SO quickly, it would make your head spin. I’ve tried to tell a few certain people this before and I guess they found it hard to believe until they saw it (me!) in action. (This is in the past, not recent) I realized the other day (and I was angry) that I tried so hard to stress the fact that I could not be around certain things and I couldn’t compromise in certain areas and that it was SO important to me – but it was overlooked and I felt so unimportant and unprotected…(part of Step 4 is also dealing with resentments, lol)…this is why I am SO SET on not allowing certain things in my life anymore. God has been so good to show me these things and I am so grateful to learn these things now…He said that I wasn’t wrong for to be the way I was back then – certain people may have thought I was ‘extreme’ but I HAD to be extreme, because if I didn’t protect myself, no one else would (did). Instead of learning how to stand firm in those situations without being controlling or a nag was something I didn’t know how to do very well, but being complacent and apathetic, having a ‘whatever’ attitude to try to keep myself from going nuts was the opposite extreme and that was just as wrong, if not worse.

I’ve always been SO ‘all or nothing’ and God is still teaching me how to be more balanced. But He’s also shown me that there are times where it IS okay for me to be all or nothing.

I have done (recently!) some things which I am not proud of and I will be working on Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Man, working the 12 Steps is something I’ve never taken to heart until now. I wish I had done this years ago. I’ll admit that when I first got clean and I knew some of my friends who got ‘clean’ off of heroin – but who still drank, swore, smoked weed and cigarettes (!) – basically all they did differently was not do heroin. They didn’t have anything I wanted. But since I’ve been around my sister who has been clean for 15 years and who I’ve SEEN with my very own eyes CHANGE SO MUCH for the GOOD – I mean seriously, she’s a totally different person than she was 15 years ago. She has WORKED the steps. The only problem I have with the 12 Step Program is ‘the God of your understanding’ – because lets just be honest – people who believe in any god and people who believe in JESUS – the God of the bible – are not like minded. Sure, I can get along with a lot of people who don’t believe in Jesus. But when it comes down to it – there are just certain things we cannot relate to – spiritually we just don’t see things the same way. That doesn’t make Christians better or worse – it just makes them different, lol!!!

So…I would really love to start a 12 Step program (in my house!) for Christian’s who were drug addicts/alcoholics – the steps are really a great thing to work on for ANYone, not just addicts. No offense but there are so many screwed up people in the church who have never even done a drug or taken a drink, lol.

After I have my surgeries and start feeling better and are regularly volunteering at the Dream Center, I will pray about talking to Pastor Matthew about starting a 12 Step cell group at my place. I still really feel that God has given me this apartment to have people fellowship.

Your prayers, insight, encouragement and any financial support is SO greatly appreciated!!!

www.laurieishii.com paypal

Another note: as a volunteer I have signed a confidentiality contract, so I will not be sharing any details about the young ladies or the stuff we do unless it is VERY general and only if I have asked permission first.

Well, I just found out that SSI did not approve me, again. So, I am praying about where to go from here. I don’t know if I can appeal again – I think I can (and as long as I can, I will) but in the meantime, I feel like I’m supposed to write again.

I am considering changing things around in my book, writing up a different outline to include the cancer diagnosis and someone also had a great idea – to include some of my facebook posts about having cancer.

Please continue to pray regarding my situation, because I am concerned about having no medical insurance – if I can’t get SSI, I won’t get medicare. And with all of my medical conditions, I need insurance! But then again, if God plans on healing me 100% I wont need insurance…

In the meantime, I need lots of prayer concerning my financial situation. If I am able to ‘survive’ on the $1,000 the Dream Center gives me each month, along with any random donations I get from people…I will be able to write for hours a day, every day, and I’ll be able to finish the book in 1-2 years tops. When I was taking the writing course, I was writing and editing about one chapter a week. Then I will need to start pitching my book to agents and publishers.

In the meantime…I need donors!!! Please pray for monthly donors – I am working on getting an organization to sponsor me – so when people donate to me, they can get a tax receipt. God has been SO FAITHFUL to supply my needs!

This weekend I am going to get off the fentanyl patch I’ve been on for months – it’s for the pain I still have extreme pain in my back, neck, shoulders but also my CHEST – every time I get ‘expanded’ I am up all night for days because the pain is so bad. It feels like someone is siting on my chest as well as someone with a dull knife inside my body, scraping their way out of the skin on my chest. It is NOT pleasant. But, I do not want to be on the patch anymore. I have two more surgeries to go and I do not want to go under the knife while I’m still on the patch and my tolerance to pain medication is 10 times the ‘normal’ person. Realistically, the doctor told me that I will have to take something for pain. So I am praying I will have to take as little as possible, or none.

To come off the patch I will need to get on Suboxone. I need money to see the Psychiatrist who prescribes the drug – most doctors who prescribe Suboxone only take cash – it takes a ‘special’ license to prescribe Suboxone. Fortunately, this doctor is on my insurance, but I still have a co-pay of $25 I have to pay him each time I see him. I’m asking you to PLEASE PRAY for this weekend – I have to be the patch off at least 24 hours before taking the Suboxone – otherwise I will immediately go into withdrawals. It sounds weird, but I have to be in withdrawals to be able to take the Suboxone. The doctor will make sure that I have definite signs of withdrawal symptoms before prescribing me the Suboxone. I see him on Monday at noon – and I am not looking forward to going through ANY kind of withdrawals!!! It reminds me of kicking heroin!!!

Suboxone is much easier to come off of than it is coming off of opiates, which is why I am going this route instead of trying to do it on my own. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to get off the patch without going through withdrawals – unless I take Suboxone, weaning off and stopping that way. My next surgery is on February the 29th – to replace the expanders with implants. Lord willing, I’ll be off both the patch and Suboxone by then. The next surgery will be 3 months after that.

Thank you so much for your prayers.

I’ve been thinking all day…sure, I know that I can do anything through Jesus. I just don’t know what I want to do, or what I’m ‘supposed’ to do. I feel too old to do some things, and too inexperienced to do other things…I haven’t had any schooling, training or experience besides doing hair, which I’m very good at and I really enjoy…but I don’t want to do that for the rest of my life and I don’t even think it’s what I’m supposed to do (plus, if I were to do that I’d need to go back to school, retake the state board and renew my license and I’m also not even sure I’d physically be able to work for hours on my feet in a salon)…I enjoy writing but after everything that has happened in my life in the last year, I feel like I’m gonna have to start writing all over again from scratch and even then – I need to make a living (!) if I want to have a place to live and I don’t even know how to go about getting published. I am so tired, scared of being on my own and scared of not being able to make it with no money, no education, no job…I don’t want to be dependent on the government for my income (SSI – I still don’t even know if I’ll be able to qualify)…I don’t want to have to depend on anyone except myself (and of course, God) and yet I’m afraid, because of my health/medical condition(s) – that might be a bit difficult, if not unrealistic. I’m willing to do whatever I have to and I’ll work hard so that I can make it on my own…I just need direction.

This next year is full of the unknown and it’s scary. All I can do is continue to ask Jesus for guidance and provision (He has totally proved over and over – that He is my provider!) and I must continually pray against fear. I don’t want to be frozen to where I don’t do anything because I’m too scared to step out in faith and try something new. Please pray for direction – that the Lord will show me what it is that He wants me to do…what direction for me to take…guidance and confirmation. I probably sound like I don’t have any faith…and in a way I don’t, at least in myself. I want to…I pray that Jesus would give me more faith in Him! I feel so lame – after all that God has done in my life (especially in the last six months!) you’d think I’d never doubt God for anything ever again! I suppose I’m just afraid of the unknown, and I’m afraid of my inability to do what I’ve never really had to do on my own before. I’ve never had to do anything ‘alone’ before – I’ve always either had someone to rely on or I’ve been on drugs and for some reason, when I was on drugs I didn’t fear anything lol – I had such false confidence in myself! I thought I could do anything, and I could – I could START anything – but I could never finish anything! Now having Jesus I know that I can do anything with His strength and power, but it’s so weird, because I still have to make myself get started and for some reason relying on Jesus instead of self can be difficult too! I’ve been sober for years now but this is the first time I’ve been sober and alone – on my own. I’m totally thankful for this opportunity because I know that through this I will learn a LOT more about myself and about God’s faithfulness. But at the same time – I am not too embarrassed to admit that I’m scared.

Maybe it’s just me, but I have so many “What if’s?” and there are some days where I am just so tired of living another day – I would seriously be fine if Jesus were to take me home – I’ve lived a very full life and I am grateful. There’s only one more thing I want to do in life before I die and I have yet to do it, so I keep pushing through…and of course I want to fulfill God’s purpose in me, be used by Him and point as many people as possible to Jesus. But other than that, I’d be happy if He took me home tomorrow.

Oh well. I probably sound like a weirdo. Please continue to pray for me. Thank you. I’ve just been ‘pondering’ all day – probably thinking way too much. I should just go to bed…

Well, dated SEPTEMBER 06, 2011 (Sheesh, I could have opened this WEEKS AGO!!!) I opened and read my application for FINANCIAL AID.

Underlined in RED…(there are some limitations but regardless)…the majority reads: “BASED UPON THE INFORMATION YOU SUBMITTED, YOU ARE ELIGIBLE TO A DISCOUNT OF 100%. ACCORDINGLY, YOU WILL OWE A BALANCE OF $0.00 TO THE MEDICAL CENTER FOR OUTSTANDING BALANCES WITH SERVICE DATES PRIOR TO THE DATE OF THIS LETTER. THE SAME PERCENTAGE DISCOUNT WILL APPLY TO OUTSTANDING FACULTY PHYSICIAN ACCOUNTS WITH SERVICE DATES PRIOR TO THE DATE OF THIS LETTER…”

AND THIS 100% DISCOUNT CONTINUES TO BE ELIGIBLE THROUGH 03/06/2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS BECAUSE OF MY JESUS – THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!! IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF MY JESUS, MY MERCIFUL, AMAZING, LOVING SAVIOR, MY FRIEND, MY FATHER, MY EVERLASTING, JUST, RIGHTEOUS, POWERFUL GOD…

Note: I’m still marveling at His goodness. Just to give you an idea of what kind of ‘numbers’ we’re dealing with here – the bills that were written off weren’t just a few hundred dollars…one of the bills that was written off was my mastectomy – $136,528.94 (AFTER my insurance)…there was another bill for $6,013.00, another for $13,432.00…and these bills were only from the months of April-July 1010 and Cedars said they will cover 100% (not all, but certain hospital bills) until March of TWO THOUSAND AND TWELVE!!!! BLOWN AWAY…THANK YOU JESUS…♥♥♥…

Jesus has given me the opportunity to share the gospel with a number of different people at the cancer clinic. Granted, radiation has it’s side effects – the main one is fatigue and tiredness. I did end up horribly sick, throwing up like Linda Blair in the Exorcist – it was pretty frightening – enough to send me to the ER after my friend Victoria called my cancer surgeon who said my vomiting was ‘alarming’ and for me to go to the ER. Oh how I hate going to the ER, as they never seem to figure out what the root of my problem is – all I get is a big fat bill and I waste an entire day/night. All I wanted was someone to stay with me and ‘hold my hand’ if you will – just so I didn’t have to be alone – which is what I’ll do next time, because I definitely cannot afford anymore bills. I literally have STACKS of hospital bills on my kitchen table right now. Please pray that Cedars Sinai will grant me 100% coverage as I’ve applied for ‘hardship financial aid’ for my hospital bills.

Although my radiation doctor swears there is no way the radiation could be causing the nausea I’ve had – he’s still given me a prescription for anti-nausea medicine and ER doctor finally came to the conclusion that the cause of my sickness was in fact, because of the radiation.

But more than anything – it’s the fatigue that hits me the hardest. There are days where all I can do is make it to the cancer clinic, get radiation, come home, lay down and fight to stay awake during the day so I can sleep at night. The bummer is that regardless of how I make myself stay awake till 9pm or later, I still wake up between 1am-3am and don’t fall back asleep until around 5am and wake up for the day between 9am-10am.

My last day is Thursday, the 20th. I have made so many friends at the cancer clinic that I really look forward to going over there every day and I am going to miss it after my radiation is finished next week.

It’s interesting, because the patients who go to the clinic all either appear cheerful and smiley – or downcast and withdrawn. There aren’t many patients that appear ‘in-between’. One of my favorite patients was an older Jewish woman named Janet. She finished her radiation treatment last week. She ‘adopted’ me – I’d jokingly call her ‘mom’ and she was always giving me advice, such as not to drink too much of my favorite free hot chocolate the machine serves at the clinic.

On her last day of treatment, I had brought her a pretty potted orchid as a ‘graduation’ present, and she was very pleased. I had also included a card and a testimony tract. I was able to share some of my story with her during our daily conversations, but I was sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and didn’t talk about Jesus (only God) since she was Jewish. One day after treatment she was all dressed up; I told her she looked nice and she said it was because she was going to the temple and that she would say a prayer for me. The day of her ‘graduation’ she asked for my number so we could stay in touch, and I’m hoping she’ll call me one of these days.

As the days go by and I see the same people each day, I really pray and ask the Lord to show me how I can be a blessing to my fellow patients and befriend them. I have made friends with an older African American man named ‘Joe’ – he has prostrate cancer. I haven’t had a chance to talk about Jesus with him yet – right now I feel I’m just supposed to be a friend. I can tell he is happy to see me and he goes out of his way to greet me and say goodbye before he leaves each day.

There is another man named ‘Ali’ – he is Middle Eastern – he has a 5cm brain tumor and whenever he finishes getting his treatment he comes out holding his head and his eyes are all squinty. He is such a nice man, always smiling (except after he comes out of treatment) I told him that I will be praying for him. Since the first day he has come to the clinic he has always been with his two sisters – they are both so nice and friendly. The other day I introduced myself to them and as we began talking – I just sensed that they knew Jesus – and asked if they were Christians. They said “Yes!” They shared that they were both strong Muslims but came to Christ – one over ten years ago – the other 6-7 years ago. They’ve been praying for their brother and asked that I pray for him too.

They asked how I became a Christian – and you know I was more than happy to tell them all about how Jesus saved me! They were so sweet – one kept saying she was so proud of me and they said they love me and gave me hugs before they left. I want to invite them and Ali to church before my radiation treatment is finished.

A couple days ago I also met a woman named Nachole – her mother also has breast cancer and is undergoing radiation. I introduced myself and shared with her how happy I was to be at the clinic and how I loved it cause I felt like all the radiation patients are in a ‘secret club’ LOL – like we have some kind of ‘bond’ because we’re all going through treatment. I don’t know what else I said but the following day, she told me that she was so blessed to meet me – she shared with her mother that she didn’t feel sorry for me lol – she felt sorry for herself. She said that she was so amazed to see me smiling and grateful – it made her take a good look at her priorities. I asked her if she knew Jesus and she did/does – and she said if I ever fly back east (she’s from Alabama) to please call her – she gave me her number and said she’d love it if I could talk to her youth group kids sometime.

I was also blessed to share Jesus with a Filipino valet outside the clinic – we have been talking since the day I started radiation – his name is Greg. We’ve developed a friendship and the other day I felt like it was time to share Jesus with him – sharing my past with him and giving him one of my testimony tracts. He asked if he could keep it – and he just asked me question after question until my access transportation/ride came to drive me home.

On the way home I met another woman who got in the access van and was able to share Jesus with her too! I gave her a tract and she asked if she could keep it – I’m gonna need to figure out a way to print some more soon – I’ve only got about three more. It was such a blessing to share Jesus that I was walking on clouds the past few days!

Thursday night I had a problem logging onto my AA&T online account – I wanted to pay my phone bill and I didn’t know my password – well I called AT&T and was on the phone with a representative – still on FIRE from the days events lol – and because he had to send me a temporary password by email and he said it could take 12-15 minutes before I got it – I jokingly said I wasn’t gonna let him hang up until I figured out how to get around my account so while we waited, we should talk. I told him I had cancer and how I was getting radiation and asked if he knew anyone who had cancer and he said a whole bunch of people in his family died of cancer – he listed both his grandparents, a cousin ad another cousin – and I blurted out, “Wow – that’s horrible. Do you know Jesus?” I mean – my thought was wow – how scary – he desperately needs Jesus!!!

He answered, “Unfortunately, no.” I was like – “Unfortunately? Did you hear what I said? I mean, who I was talking about? Jesus?” He said, “Yeah, Jesus Christ.” I was almost flabbergasted lol. I said “Wow. Well do you WANT to know Jesus?” and he said, “YEAH.” I mean talk about divine appointment – it was almost too good to be true! So I asked him if I could share the gospel with him and then lead him in a prayer to receive Jesus as his Lord and Savior. He said “Yes.” So I did. Then when I was gonna pray I asked if there were people (co-workers) all around and if it would get him in trouble if they hear him praying and if he’d prefer I lead him in the prayer and he pray along with me without having to repeat every word but meaning it in his heart and talking to God on his own after we got off the phone (cause he was gonna get off work in like 8 minutes – it was almost midnight) he was in New York. So he said that would be better.

So, I prayed and afterward he thanked me and I asked him if he had a bible and he said no so I told him he could find me on fb and if he didn’t think it was too weird he could give me his address and I’d send him a bible and about 15 minutes after we hung up he requested me as a friend on fb. Later he told me he could get fired for contacting a customer but that I was the most interesting customer he’d ever had, that his life has been changed and he was willing to take the risk. Isn’t that crazy!? I was so excited – to lead someone to Jesus on the phone – a complete stranger and one who was a service rep…all I can say is what a privilege! Lol!

I could go on and on because there were more instances throughout my week where God gave me opportunities to share Jesus with access drivers, fellow patients, passengers, nurses…it is SUCH a blessing to be used by God in such a small way. All I do is pray and ask God to make me sensitive to His leading – to guide me and use me however He chooses. I am going to ask the nurses at the hospital how I can (or if I can) be a volunteer in the cancer clinic after my treatment is over – because I am really gonna MISS going to the clinic every day!!!

Jesus blows my mind. I am so grateful to know Him.

I am choosing not to freak out and I am choosing to trust God, even though every part of me wants to lose it right now.

All I’m asking for is PRAYER. Thank you…

Well, that was a wake up call. You see, I have always hated having to do fundraisers. The the entire time I was president of After Hours, we didn’t have any fundraisers – I did make people aware of our needs and God provided, but I’ve always felt awkward, as if I was ‘begging’ by asking people for money. I’ve heard different opinions from different people, some who say that if we trust God, we should never have to ask for money – He knows our needs, so we shouldn’t have to tell anyone what they are. Then there are other people who say that we should give people the opportunity to be a blessing and to be be a part of something God is doing, by letting them know what our needs are.

I’ll admit, that when I’ve gotten in a ‘panic’ – I have let people know of my needs – and I have come to realize that I tend to come across like a ‘woe is me’ beggar; and it disgusts me. So when that person wrote, “Please break the poverty mentality and stand up spiritually!” I was not in the least offended – instead I was forced to look within and acknowledge my neediness and I came to realize that although I say that I trust God – if I do – then I don’t need to panic. If I believe that God gave me this apartment and I am supposed to live here – then I should believe that He will provide for me to stay here.

So, I have come to the conclusion, that instead of telling people what my needs are, I will only tell God what my needs are (not as if He doesn’t know, but if I’m stressing out about it – He’s the only one I’ll talk to about it)…and trust that He will take care of me. This is a scary step for me, but it’s also exciting to see what He’s gonna do.

If I have offended anyone or have come across to you as one who has ‘poverty mentality’ – please forgive me. That definitely was never my intention, and if anything, I’m pretty embarrassed to be seen as such.

Anyway, as far as the cancer situation goes – I want to thank you so much for your prayer – the bone scans I had revealed that the cancer did NOT spread to my bones. Thank You Jesus!

However, the triple phase bone scan did reveal that I have RSD/CRPS – just to give you an idea of what that is – I copied and pasted the following from http://www.rsdhope.org/crps-overview.html :

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome, RSDS, is now referred to as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, CRPS. CRPS is a progressive disease of the Autonomic Nervous System whose pain is characterized as constant, extremely intense, and out of proportion to the original injury. The pain is typically accompanied by swelling, skin changes, sensitivity, and can often be debilitating. It usually affects one or more of the four limbs but can occur in any part of the body.

CRPS is ranked as the most painful form of chronic pain that exists today by the McGill Pain Index.

There are FOUR Main Symptoms/Criteria of CRPS:

Constant chronic burning pain (includes allodynia – extreme sensitivity to touch, sound, and vibration)
Inflammation (this can affect the appearance of the skin, bruising, mottling, etc.)
Spasms-in blood vessels and muscles of the extremities
Insomnia/Emotional Disturbance (includes the major changes to the limbic system such as short-term memory problems, concentration difficulties, etc.)

Let me just say, that although I have an extremely HIGH pain tolerance, yet the pain I have been experiencing ever since I had the mastectomy – not the mastectomy itself, but from the RSD in my right shoulder, arm, wrist and hand has to be some of the worst, if not the worse pain I have ever experienced before. It has kept me up night after night for the past few weeks.

But praise God – I have a great pain management doctor who is really determined to help me. She has performed two minor (outpatient) surgeries/procedures where anesthesia is injected into a nerve in my neck near my windpipe, to block the pain. So far, I haven’t noticed much of a difference, but she said it may take a few more of these procedures before I would notice a difference. In the meantime, she has me on a patch which helps dull the pain. Either way, I’d much rather have pain from RSD than pain from cancer!

I have also started radiation. The radiation doctor said that I would not get sick or nauseous, only fatigued from the radiation. I was very grateful for that, because that was my main concern if I were to have to have chemo. Which, by the way – I DO NOT HAVE TO GET CHEMO!!! PRAISE GOD!!!

Well, the first two days of radiation were a breeze. I was in and out of there within 20 minutes, tops – went home, ate dinner and felt fine. On the third day, I barely made it home from the hospital before throwing up my guts, well into the night. :’( The next day I went to the radiation clinic and told my doctor, who still insisted that it wasn’t the radiation that was making me sick, but who prescribed me anti-nausea medicine anyway…

I have only gotten sick one other day since I started taking the anti-nausea pills. The rest of the side effects – the fatigue – has been hitting me quite hard. I am sleepy all day but have difficulty sleeping at night. But I am grateful – I’d much rather be tired than sick!

I have had a number of opportunities to share Jesus with my doctors, the nurses and the patients at the cancer clinic. I have been able to pray with and witness to my access transportation people who pick me up and take me to appointments on the days where I only have radiation.

The biggest and best times where I’ve been able to share Jesus with my doctors and nurses is when I have had to get my RSD procedure at the pain clinic – because they have to start an IV on me. The first time we had to start an IV we ended up having to cancel the procedure after about 25 sticks in different areas of my body by 3 doctors and 4 nurses, each trying to give it their best shot, with no luck. (Not to mention – the previous day where I had the exact same situation TWICE with different doctors and nurses when I went to get the bone scan and triple phase bone scan.)

The following two times I was at the pain clinic I was able to show them where to stick me and guide them on how to do it – and thank God, we were able to start an IV. My doctor and the anesthesiologist said I should become a phlebotomist. In the meantime, one of the nurses was so curious as to how I came to know Jesus – she sat there asking me question after question, then saying she wished I would write a book lol. I told her it’s in the process, and she got all excited and said she’d be sure to buy one!

Not having any veins always leads to asking questions – which leads me to telling them that I was a junkie, used up all my veins, etc. and then, they ask the big question: “How were you able to stop using?” Which gives me the floor lol – to telling them about how Jesus delivered me and set me free! I praise God for the opportunity to use what could be, and most likely IS what the devil intended for evil – God uses for good once again!

The last few weeks have been pretty tough. I’ll admit I was getting pretty discouraged when I new something was extremely wrong with my arm but the doctors couldn’t figure out what was causing the incredible pain I was experiencing – wondering if the cancer had spread and if it hadn’t – what was causing the terrible pain. I spent a number of nights in tears, crying and begging God to ease the pain.

There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed. But I know I have to push myself and get through…I pray every day for divine appointments, joy and I make the choice to have a good attitude, even when I feel like being a total grouch. Jesus honors that choice with a great opportunity to talk to someone or just gives me a great day. I wrote the following on a facebook post one day when I was nauseous and frustrated…

I love Jesus no matter what I feel, in spite of what I feel, regardless of whether or not He heals me. And I can say this, and mean it, from the bottom of my heart with every part of my being; that I KNOW Jesus loves ME, regardless of what He does or doesn’t do for me – as far as I’m concerned, He already did it all on the cross…

Yet I will never be ‘satisfied’ and I will always strive for more – I strive to be more like Jesus and like the apostle Paul, I want to learn to be CONTENT IN ALL THINGS:

“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:11-13)

And: “Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)

Okay I’m sorry lol I’m preaching to myself here…but I’m so serious, I love Jesus so much and I feel privileged to share in the sufferings of Christ:

“Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:8-11

AND HERE IS MY HOPE:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So, I apologize that this was so long (again, as usual) – thank you so much for your prayers, support and encouragement. Again, I apologize if I sounded like a beggar in any of my previous emails, and I will refrain from putting my needs out there – I am choosing to trust God and Him alone, no matter how scary it gets, and I’ll expect to have some very cool praise reports to share with you in the very near future. God bless…

When I first had my doctor tell me that I would definitely need to get chemo, I was so upset. I beat myself up about cancelling my first scheduled surgery in April – if I had gotten surgery back then, my doctor had said I most likely wouldn’t have needed chemo because my tumors were estrogen positive (meaning they responded and grew according to my body’s production of estrogen) and I would only need to take a pill for 5 years to keep my estrogen levels down.

Of course looking back and wishing I ‘would have’ or ‘should have’ or wondering, ‘what if?’ was counterproductive, but as I reflect back on the whole situation, I have no regrets. I did not have any peace about getting surgery back in April. I was so anxious about what I should do or what not to do – had I just went ahead and done the surgery I most likely would have regretted it later – because I hadn’t at least TRIED alternative medicine and saw for myself that it didn’t work

Just because it didn’t work for me, in my situation – does that mean I believe alternative medicine doesn’t work? Not at all – I still believe in alternative medicine. But I also believe that we are individuals, and different methods work for different people in different situations. God has truly helped me to better understand that many things aren’t so ‘black and white’ – each situation is different, and each individual is different. One certain thing is not necessarily right for every single individual. I’ve always been such a black and white person – I’ve thought, if it’s good for me it must be good for everyone – to the point of imposing my belief or opinion onto other people and judging them if they didn’t agree with me.

The Lord has me in a very interesting position – because I am so ‘anti’ chemo – I’ve really had to swallow my pride, surrendering my will to my Fathers.

I’ve been asking Him what to do about my cancer treatment – I mean, the decision isn’t like I’m deciding whether or not I should I eat steak or chicken lol – this is a life changing decision; it could literally mean my life or death. I wanted to make sure that I was making the wisest decision and most importantly, a Spirit led decision.

Everything in me says that doing chemo is the most foolish, detrimental decision possible – I might as well be signing my own death certificate. I do not want to be sick, lose my hair or, worst-case scenario – die. Although I am not afraid of death – there are still things I’d like to do and I’d like to stick around for a while! J

So, why in the world would I do chemo? The same reason I mentioned a month or so ago. I believe that God wants to use me to share Jesus in the cancer clinic.

When my doctor first told me I’d have to do chemo, she told me that she wouldn’t even sign the papers for long term SSI until I agreed treatment. Sure, I need SSI. I have no income. I have no idea where my next dollar will come from. But please, let me make this clear: I AM NOT DOING CHEMO BECAUSE I AM AFRAID THAT IF I DON’T DO IT, I WON’T GET SSI. I know that God will provide for me regardless of whether or not I get SSI – besides, I have enough other medical problems to get SSI lol . . . but if I’m completely honest, I fall into stressing out regarding my finances. So, I really prayed and asked God to search my heart and motives, so I could be certain that fear wouldn’t be in the back of my mind, influencing any of my decisions.

Someone wrote to me asking me not to get chemo, saying that chemo is from the devil. I told this person that I really felt that Jesus wants to use me in the cancer clinic, and the person said, “God will use you anywhere Laurie. You don’t need to be in a cancer clinic getting chemo. Don’t buy into that as I believe it is a lie from the enemy trying to justify his bull crap.” Well, I agree that God can and use me anywhere. But I also know that in the past, God has called me to go to places that didn’t make any sense to me, to teach me things I otherwise wouldn’t have learned. There were ministries the Lord told me to be a part of where I was like, “NO WAY – why in the world would You want me to be a part of that?” He didn’t tell me why – but He kept on nudging me, giving me confirmation that I was to go, until I did. I learned later that much of the reason I was at a certain place or ministry was so that I could learn what NOT to do when I started a ministry, as well as using me to make changes . . . I’ve learned that Jesus doesn’t necessarily send me to places where I want to go, where I can further a vision or where I can protect or preserve my life. Of course, I believe I am to be a good steward of ‘my’ body. Yet at the same time – my body is not my own. I was bought with a price, the precious blood of Jesus (1 Cor. 6:20) and this verse keeps coming to my mind also: “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 16:25

Sunday, I went to Angelus Temple. I had been praying all weekend for confirmation regarding chemotherapy treatment – I had already felt that I was supposed to do chemo, but because I did NOT want to do it, I’d been asking Jesus to spare me from it – if possible, to please make another way. Well, Pastor Tommy Barnett spoke that morning on how ‘second conversions’ are many times born out of pain. He said so many things that morning that spoke to me and my situation – I felt like he wrote his sermon just for me and I stayed for the second service to hear it again!

He talked about Acts 10 and Peter and I wish I could go into all the details but if I tried, I’d just mess up a perfectly wonderful sermon. Basically, all of my doubts were erased; all of my questions were answered. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I am supposed to get chemo. Not because it’s the ‘best’ route to combat the cancer – not because it’s going to save my life – but because this is the route God wants me to take, the way Jesus is going to use me to save other people’s lives (souls).

So, that’s my reason for doing chemo. I’ll get my chemo schedule after I see the chemo oncologist (which I have yet to make an appointment with – I’m waiting someone from their office to call me) and I see the radiation oncologist tomorrow, along with my surgical oncologist.

I have total peace about my decision and I know that no matter what happens, Jesus will be with me.