Laurie Ishii

This is my very human self, expressing my very human thoughts. After what happened yesterday when I checked the mail (the amazing letter from Cedar Sinai covering my hospital bills) you’d think I’d be miss superfaith. But I’m still lil ole human me. I would guess that most people my age don’t have to think about this kind of stuff. Most people my age already have their life in some kind of ‘order’ – they didn’t drop out of high school, use drugs half their life, get married, divorced, married, divorced, start all over, be sick or get sick and be on their own when they had nothing but the clothes on their back and a dog lol! Well, lately I’ve found myself (especially lately) feeling…so lost…not having any sort of direction.

I’ve been thinking all day…sure, I know that I can do anything through Jesus. I just don’t know what I want to do, or what I’m ‘supposed’ to do. I feel too old to do some things, and too inexperienced to do other things…I haven’t had any schooling, training or experience besides doing hair, which I’m very good at and I really enjoy…but I don’t want to do that for the rest of my life and I don’t even think it’s what I’m supposed to do (plus, if I were to do that I’d need to go back to school, retake the state board and renew my license and I’m also not even sure I’d physically be able to work for hours on my feet in a salon)…I enjoy writing but after everything that has happened in my life in the last year, I feel like I’m gonna have to start writing all over again from scratch and even then – I need to make a living (!) if I want to have a place to live and I don’t even know how to go about getting published. I am so tired, scared of being on my own and scared of not being able to make it with no money, no education, no job…I don’t want to be dependent on the government for my income (SSI – I still don’t even know if I’ll be able to qualify)…I don’t want to have to depend on anyone except myself (and of course, God) and yet I’m afraid, because of my health/medical condition(s) – that might be a bit difficult, if not unrealistic. I’m willing to do whatever I have to and I’ll work hard so that I can make it on my own…I just need direction.

This next year is full of the unknown and it’s scary. All I can do is continue to ask Jesus for guidance and provision (He has totally proved over and over – that He is my provider!) and I must continually pray against fear. I don’t want to be frozen to where I don’t do anything because I’m too scared to step out in faith and try something new. Please pray for direction – that the Lord will show me what it is that He wants me to do…what direction for me to take…guidance and confirmation. I probably sound like I don’t have any faith…and in a way I don’t, at least in myself. I want to…I pray that Jesus would give me more faith in Him! I feel so lame – after all that God has done in my life (especially in the last six months!) you’d think I’d never doubt God for anything ever again! I suppose I’m just afraid of the unknown, and I’m afraid of my inability to do what I’ve never really had to do on my own before. I’ve never had to do anything ‘alone’ before – I’ve always either had someone to rely on or I’ve been on drugs and for some reason, when I was on drugs I didn’t fear anything lol – I had such false confidence in myself! I thought I could do anything, and I could – I could START anything – but I could never finish anything! Now having Jesus I know that I can do anything with His strength and power, but it’s so weird, because I still have to make myself get started and for some reason relying on Jesus instead of self can be difficult too! I’ve been sober for years now but this is the first time I’ve been sober and alone – on my own. I’m totally thankful for this opportunity because I know that through this I will learn a LOT more about myself and about God’s faithfulness. But at the same time – I am not too embarrassed to admit that I’m scared.

Maybe it’s just me, but I have so many “What if’s?” and there are some days where I am just so tired of living another day – I would seriously be fine if Jesus were to take me home – I’ve lived a very full life and I am grateful. There’s only one more thing I want to do in life before I die and I have yet to do it, so I keep pushing through…and of course I want to fulfill God’s purpose in me, be used by Him and point as many people as possible to Jesus. But other than that, I’d be happy if He took me home tomorrow.

Oh well. I probably sound like a weirdo. Please continue to pray for me. Thank you. I’ve just been ‘pondering’ all day – probably thinking way too much. I should just go to bed…