Afflictions…
Well, it started up again while we were in Utah in March – and it just hasn’t left. I’m still not sure what’s going on with me. I asked some people to pray for me the other night and I slept well for the first time in a while. Last night I didn’t sleep so well. I was in pain again… my neck!
For people who don’t already know my story – the Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue (CFS)
and Hepatitis C – along with the herpes virus make it so that I need to be careful not to overdo it. My immune system is pretty weak, but since we stopped eating meat and dairy we have been SO MUCH better health wise, so praise God for that. I haven’t had an ‘episode’ like this for quite some time. Now I’m trying to figure out what exactly is causing this…? I’ve been eating well, drinking water, walking, (a bit) getting enough sleep… lots of praying, lots of bible reading… more so since Daryl’s been working, praise God.
I believe that many of the problems with my health also have to do with my past foolishness… when I tried to commit suicide by jumping of the roof of my 8 story apartment – I landed on my head… I had to have a craniotomy, three cracks in my skull (pretty ugly) and had brain damage (couldn’t read or write)… anyway, the fact that I landed on my head (after shaving a 10 foot tree clean off before landing – which by the grace of God broke my fall before I hit the ground) and fractured ribs – I can’t imagine that fall not affecting my neck somehow.
I’ve had many ‘side affects’ from the fall – I actually jumped off a second story window and broke my back and again while in a women’s home while kicking heroin and methodone, off the second tier in a Twin Towers jail dorm and rebroke it… so I’m sure that doesn’t help with the shoulder/neck/back pain either. When I was 20 I got shot in a drive by shooting in West Covina (when I was a little gang banger/punk in a Filipino gang) and I have a metal plate in my left arm and when the weather changes I have everything going on all at once – I can’t even lift my left arm – the doctor said I have bursitis… (which I don’t receive but hey, it explains the excruciating pain where I can’t lift my arm or put on or take off a shirt without Daryl’s help)
Sometimes I feel like such an old lady!!! Not even a year ago I was in and out of the hospital for about two years straight for something or another… having MRIs, CTscans – seeing a liver doctor and still seeing a neurologist because of migraines I never had before
my suicide jump, plus the doctors thought I had diabetes insipidus (water diabetes, unrelated to sugar diabetes) because of an abnormal MRI of my pituitary gland – I couldn’t stop peeing every ten minutes and I had bad incontinence, had to wear diapers – oh what a nightmare! I could not even tell when I started peeing until I felt it run down my leg.
Thankfully, that has gotten better – I can wear tight pants again! LOL! Seriously, that was such a hard time… my husband is a trooper! The doctors don’t know why I still have to use the bathroom so frequently (although it has gotten SO MUCH BETTER since last year) and so they’re sending me to a Gynocologist and they had me go to get another MRI on my head/brain but because once again they were unable to find a vein (because I blew them all out) they couldn’t complete it. Now I am supposed to go back and this time go to the ER first, have them get a line and then go get the MRI while they can inject me with come stuff dye/’contrast’ to better see what’s going on. But County takes so long, so my appointment with the Gyno isn’t until July I believe… and I don’t want to miss it or else I’ll have to wait another 3 months before I can get another. The last time I saw one at the clinic the doctor said he felt a cyst and that he wanted me to go to County for an ultrasound but I never went cause then I got sick with the Hepatitis and just forgot about it I guess… that was almost 3 years ago. Yikes…
So sometimes I just feel run down when I push myself too hard, and it is really tempting to do so because my heart wants to do so much, but my body doesn’t always follow. There are times when I know I must push myself because I just have to do something – like if I have a speaking engagement – my health almost ALWAYS gets attacked before I speak… sometimes I wonder if God doesn’t allow it to happen to keep me humble and so dependent on Him! Because it surely does… many times, a few days or hours before I’m about to speak – I get hit so hard that I’m almost in tears, begging the Lord to give me the grace I need to get through it! And He always does, while I’m speaking I feel great!
Sometimes I still feel great afterwards – but most times I’m usually exhausted and go home and rest… and by the next day I’m usually fine. So… I’m just anticipating this weekend – Daryl and I are speaking at a church in Pomona Sunday. 
This Friday – we’re supposed to go out with some people from Mosaic church, to minister to the prostitutes… but if I don’t start feeling better…?
It’s so frustrating – like I get brain fog, bigtime – and my head feels… so ‘clogged’… and my eyes burn… I have to psych myself up just to get out of bed… then psych myself up to take a shower… then lay down a bit… then psych myself up to get up again… my neck and back are throbbing, but I’m pretty used to that – some days are better than others… it’s worse at night… but the brain fog and fatigue are really annoying cause there are so many things I want to do but I get so tired… when I’m just in pain I can force myself to do things and push against the pain and sure it sucks – but with this invisible ‘force’ coming against me like I’m pushing through thick sticky MUD… it’s almost debilitating.
Okay, enough whining. Sorry. This isn’t an excuse, just an explanation. Thanks so much for everyone’s prayers – they help a lot!
