Laurie Ishii

I saw, on the news yesterday Рthe train wreck in Glendale. How horrible. It was caused by a 25 year old man, Juan (I think that’s his name) who wanted to commit suicide.

He parked his vehicle on the train tracks and when the train started to come, he chickened out and got out of his car. He watched the train come off of the tracks, as another train came from the opposite direction and collided into the first one. Ten people died, and over 100 people were injured.

The newscaster said that Juan came over after the wreck, saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

The whole situation was quite disturbing to me. I found myself having so much compassion – not only for the people who died or were hurt in the accident, but for Juan, too.

Suicide (or attempted suicide) has to be the most selfish, self-centered act there is. I know this, from personal experience. I didn’t realize it until after I’d been clean and sober for a while and the Lord showed me…

The person who wants to kill themself is totally self-absorbed Рthe world revolves around them, everything is ‘all about me.’ I can remember thinking that “everyone would be glad that I was gone” and that “they wouldn’t even miss me.” I even thought of ‘getting back’ at people who had hurt me, maybe they would regret what they had done to me. How sick, like trying to get sick revenge.

It is so selfish, only thinking of self, MY pain, MY loss, MY broken heart… ME, ME, ME. At the time, not thinking any further than that РME. Even if just to get the attention I wanted… having such a pity party for myself, “things aren’t going my way, so I’ll make other people suffer”… misery loves company. If I’m going to be miserable, I’ll make sure that everyone else is miserable too.

Then there’s the ‘martyr complex’. “Oh, it will be so much easier for everyone else if I’m gone anyway,” “They won’t have to worry about me anymore,” “I’m nothing but trouble and a loser anyway”… “I can’t do anything right,” “No one likes me, no one cares.”

It makes me sick to think that I had thoughts like that. But I did. Even after I did make the attempt, (the ‘big one,’ not the little wrist cutting or overdosing ones) and my friends and family came to see me in the hospital РI still didn’t get it. My mom, my friends, even my boyfriend, begged me to stop using, telling me that they loved me, please stop… it was if they were speaking to a wall. I didn’t care РI only thought, “Oh, now you come around? Where were you all the other times I needed you?”

Except for Ashley. She got to me. I couldn’t even look at her when she begged me to “Please don’t use drugs anymore, Laurie. I miss you, I love you, holidays aren’t the same without you, promise me you won’t use drugs anymore…” I couldn’t, and wouldn’t make a promise like that, because I knew that the first thing I was released from the hospital, I was going to go and get high. I even got high while I was still in the hospital, in the bathroom! (I had Johnny bring me stuff a few times) I believe that Ashley was about twelve back then.

It must have been pretty traumatic for Ashley, looking back. My head half shaven, with frankenstein stitches and my face with palsy Рmy left eye would droop, and wouldn’t even close all the way Рthe left side of my face felt like it was shot with novacaine. I looked pathetic.

But did that make me stop? No. I couldn’t stop for anyone else, and wouldn’t either. Drugs were the only thing that took my pain away.

After FINALLY making the DECISION to stop Рfor myself, and for God РHe showed me my selfishness. I couldn’t see past myself back then. I am so very sorry for all the pain I’ve caused so many people back then while I was still using. My sorrow for all the horrible things I’ve done has led me to true repentance.

We don’t realize how much we all affect one another, both good or bad. I’m sure that Juan didn’t realize how many people his decision would affect by parking his car on the train tracks.

I would guess that Juan wishes that he would have stayed in his car and let the train kill him. I pray that God would use this situation to bring him to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. As horrible as this situation is, God can still bring good out of it.

Does he deserve God’s love and mercy in this situation? No way. None of us do. That’s MERCY! Getting what we don’t deserve, and not getting what we do deserve! If I’d gotten what I deserved a long time ago, I’d be roasting in hell, for sure.

Thank You for Your grace and mercy, Lord!