Laurie Ishii

Well, I’ve been in bed all day, and now I am feeling well enough to write. After I’m done, I’ll climb back into bed. Staying in bed, drinking lots of water and taking vitamins is about all I can do when I’m like this. I usually sleep, sleep, wake up and go to the bathroom, sleep, get up and eat, sleep, check e-mails, sleep, write a little, sleep, sleep, read a bit, sleep, write a bit, sleep…

Having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is pretty frustrating. I remember about 15 years ago РI had a friend who had CFS (before I had ever even heard of it) and I thought, “What a lame excuse for being lazy?! They even gave it a name!” How wrong I was. I didn’t understand why there were days when she couldn’t even get out of bed. When I came by her house, her dad would try to explain that she had CFS, and I thought that it was just a sorry excuse Рwhy couldn’t she at least come to the door and say “Hi”?

Now I understand why. I turn off my home phone, and my cell phone. When I’m like this, the only person I want to talk to is Daryl. I talk to God too, of course.

Yawn. It is more than just being tired. It feels as if someone slipped me a Mickey Рlike I’m drugged or something Рonly without drugs. My brain hurts, my body hurts, it’s difficult to concentrate, my eyes burn Рit feels like I’m in mud. Heaviness.

Now, I know that there are times when it’s a spiritual thing. But sometimes, it just happens. We live in a fallen world. We don’t have an explanation for everything, and who says that we have to anyway?

Last night we went to a church and the Pastor was talking about healing. So many times, I’ve been to healing conferences, crusades, seminars… they basically say the same things, give the same scripture (Isa.53:5) and I’d leave feeling as if there was something wrong with me if I didn’t receive instant healing РI didn’t have enough faith, there must be some secret sin in my life that I’m not even aware of, or maybe God doesn’t want to heal me РHe wants me to suffer because of something I did in the past that is ‘unforgivable’. (LIE from the pit of hell)

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me. God is Sovereign РI don’t see the whole picture, but He does. I’m learning to trust Him more and more. I know in my heart of hearts that I LOVE my God with all of my heart. I am willing to do whatever it takes to further His kingdom, I have counted the cost, I take up my cross daily… If He chooses to use illness and affliction to keep me close to His side, well so be it. It’s not up to me to argue with Him. He knows best.

I don’t ever want anyone to feel bad if God doesn’t heal them. Sure, there are many times where we have to let go of something Рlike unforgiveness for example Рthat can make and keep someone sick. But after taking it before the Lord and confessing, repenting, asking Him to cleanse and purify your heart and still being sick… well, it’s not because He doesn’t love you, or because He’s mad at you. If You are a blood bought child of the King Р“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Rom.8:1)

There are also consequences we have for our past. Not necessarily ‘punishment’ Рbut concequences. (If you touch a hot stove, you’ll get burned) Like my having herpes for sleeping around, or having back pain from jumping out of buildings and breaking my back… Yes, I totally believe that God can and does heal us of those things Рif He chooses, in His time Рbut if He doesn’t, do I have a right to be upset with Him? I used to think so. Now I see things differently.

When we went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, we found out that Daryl has Hepatitis C. Now Daryl was at one time an IV drug user, as I was. When I got clean almost four years ago, I got tested for HIV and HepC every six months Рand tested negative, even a year ago. The last time Daryl had been tested for HepC was while he was in prison 5 years ago, up until a month ago. Since then, he’d only been tested for HIV, in which he tested negative.

So did Daryl give me HepC? Or did I already have it and it was dormant, until recently? Who should I blame, who’s at fault? I mean, I tested negative for HepC until Daryl and I got married Рso why do I have it now? Why did God let this happen? Why did He tell me to marry Daryl if He knew that this would happen? Why, why, why? I don’t know.

Daryl was pretty surprised when he found out that he tested positive for HepC. He thought that he’d always been pretty careful. He apologized to me when he found out. Of course I forgave him Рwhat would be the point in being upset at him about it? It’s not as if he knew and gave it to me intentionally.

So what I guess I’m trying to say is Рdo you see that sometimes things happen that we don’t understand or have an explanation for? I mean, should I be mad at God for letting this happen? How foolish that would be. Shoot, I was SHOCKED before when I tested negative for both HepC and HIV years ago when I first got clean. That was only by God’s grace. I very rarely even used condoms (if ever) while I was prostituting РI would not have been surprised at all if I had tested positive for both.

I could be SO worse off than I am right now. I should be dead, really. Many times over. I could be crippled, at least Рor brain damaged. But by God’s grace, I’m alive, and walking, and fairly ‘normal’. haha.

Thankful. Staying thankful, whatever comes my way. No matter how bad things may seem – it could always be worse.

It’s taken me almost three hours to write this, taking breaks between. But at least I was able to write at all. Thank You Lord.