A couple weeks ago I received an email from someone who wrote, “Please break the poverty mentality and stand up spiritually!”
Well, that was a wake up call. You see, I have always hated having to do fundraisers. The the entire time I was president of After Hours, we didn’t have any fundraisers – I did make people aware of our needs and God provided, but I’ve always felt awkward, as if I was ‘begging’ by asking people for money. I’ve heard different opinions from different people, some who say that if we trust God, we should never have to ask for money – He knows our needs, so we shouldn’t have to tell anyone what they are. Then there are other people who say that we should give people the opportunity to be a blessing and to be be a part of something God is doing, by letting them know what our needs are.
I’ll admit, that when I’ve gotten in a ‘panic’ – I have let people know of my needs – and I have come to realize that I tend to come across like a ‘woe is me’ beggar; and it disgusts me. So when that person wrote, “Please break the poverty mentality and stand up spiritually!” I was not in the least offended – instead I was forced to look within and acknowledge my neediness and I came to realize that although I say that I trust God – if I do – then I don’t need to panic. If I believe that God gave me this apartment and I am supposed to live here – then I should believe that He will provide for me to stay here.
So, I have come to the conclusion, that instead of telling people what my needs are, I will only tell God what my needs are (not as if He doesn’t know, but if I’m stressing out about it – He’s the only one I’ll talk to about it)…and trust that He will take care of me. This is a scary step for me, but it’s also exciting to see what He’s gonna do.
If I have offended anyone or have come across to you as one who has ‘poverty mentality’ – please forgive me. That definitely was never my intention, and if anything, I’m pretty embarrassed to be seen as such.
Anyway, as far as the cancer situation goes – I want to thank you so much for your prayer – the bone scans I had revealed that the cancer did NOT spread to my bones. Thank You Jesus!
However, the triple phase bone scan did reveal that I have RSD/CRPS – just to give you an idea of what that is – I copied and pasted the following from http://www.rsdhope.org/crps-overview.html :
Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome, RSDS, is now referred to as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, CRPS. CRPS is a progressive disease of the Autonomic Nervous System whose pain is characterized as constant, extremely intense, and out of proportion to the original injury. The pain is typically accompanied by swelling, skin changes, sensitivity, and can often be debilitating. It usually affects one or more of the four limbs but can occur in any part of the body.
CRPS is ranked as the most painful form of chronic pain that exists today by the McGill Pain Index.
There are FOUR Main Symptoms/Criteria of CRPS:
Constant chronic burning pain (includes allodynia – extreme sensitivity to touch, sound, and vibration)
Inflammation (this can affect the appearance of the skin, bruising, mottling, etc.)
Spasms-in blood vessels and muscles of the extremities
Insomnia/Emotional Disturbance (includes the major changes to the limbic system such as short-term memory problems, concentration difficulties, etc.)
Let me just say, that although I have an extremely HIGH pain tolerance, yet the pain I have been experiencing ever since I had the mastectomy – not the mastectomy itself, but from the RSD in my right shoulder, arm, wrist and hand has to be some of the worst, if not the worse pain I have ever experienced before. It has kept me up night after night for the past few weeks.
But praise God – I have a great pain management doctor who is really determined to help me. She has performed two minor (outpatient) surgeries/procedures where anesthesia is injected into a nerve in my neck near my windpipe, to block the pain. So far, I haven’t noticed much of a difference, but she said it may take a few more of these procedures before I would notice a difference. In the meantime, she has me on a patch which helps dull the pain. Either way, I’d much rather have pain from RSD than pain from cancer!
I have also started radiation. The radiation doctor said that I would not get sick or nauseous, only fatigued from the radiation. I was very grateful for that, because that was my main concern if I were to have to have chemo. Which, by the way – I DO NOT HAVE TO GET CHEMO!!! PRAISE GOD!!!
Well, the first two days of radiation were a breeze. I was in and out of there within 20 minutes, tops – went home, ate dinner and felt fine. On the third day, I barely made it home from the hospital before throwing up my guts, well into the night. :’( The next day I went to the radiation clinic and told my doctor, who still insisted that it wasn’t the radiation that was making me sick, but who prescribed me anti-nausea medicine anyway…
I have only gotten sick one other day since I started taking the anti-nausea pills. The rest of the side effects – the fatigue – has been hitting me quite hard. I am sleepy all day but have difficulty sleeping at night. But I am grateful – I’d much rather be tired than sick!
I have had a number of opportunities to share Jesus with my doctors, the nurses and the patients at the cancer clinic. I have been able to pray with and witness to my access transportation people who pick me up and take me to appointments on the days where I only have radiation.
The biggest and best times where I’ve been able to share Jesus with my doctors and nurses is when I have had to get my RSD procedure at the pain clinic – because they have to start an IV on me. The first time we had to start an IV we ended up having to cancel the procedure after about 25 sticks in different areas of my body by 3 doctors and 4 nurses, each trying to give it their best shot, with no luck. (Not to mention – the previous day where I had the exact same situation TWICE with different doctors and nurses when I went to get the bone scan and triple phase bone scan.)
The following two times I was at the pain clinic I was able to show them where to stick me and guide them on how to do it – and thank God, we were able to start an IV. My doctor and the anesthesiologist said I should become a phlebotomist. In the meantime, one of the nurses was so curious as to how I came to know Jesus – she sat there asking me question after question, then saying she wished I would write a book lol. I told her it’s in the process, and she got all excited and said she’d be sure to buy one!
Not having any veins always leads to asking questions – which leads me to telling them that I was a junkie, used up all my veins, etc. and then, they ask the big question: “How were you able to stop using?” Which gives me the floor lol – to telling them about how Jesus delivered me and set me free! I praise God for the opportunity to use what could be, and most likely IS what the devil intended for evil – God uses for good once again!
The last few weeks have been pretty tough. I’ll admit I was getting pretty discouraged when I new something was extremely wrong with my arm but the doctors couldn’t figure out what was causing the incredible pain I was experiencing – wondering if the cancer had spread and if it hadn’t – what was causing the terrible pain. I spent a number of nights in tears, crying and begging God to ease the pain.
There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed. But I know I have to push myself and get through…I pray every day for divine appointments, joy and I make the choice to have a good attitude, even when I feel like being a total grouch. Jesus honors that choice with a great opportunity to talk to someone or just gives me a great day. I wrote the following on a facebook post one day when I was nauseous and frustrated…
I love Jesus no matter what I feel, in spite of what I feel, regardless of whether or not He heals me. And I can say this, and mean it, from the bottom of my heart with every part of my being; that I KNOW Jesus loves ME, regardless of what He does or doesn’t do for me – as far as I’m concerned, He already did it all on the cross…
Yet I will never be ‘satisfied’ and I will always strive for more – I strive to be more like Jesus and like the apostle Paul, I want to learn to be CONTENT IN ALL THINGS:
“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:11-13)
And: “Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)
Okay I’m sorry lol I’m preaching to myself here…but I’m so serious, I love Jesus so much and I feel privileged to share in the sufferings of Christ:
“Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:8-11
AND HERE IS MY HOPE:
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
So, I apologize that this was so long (again, as usual) – thank you so much for your prayers, support and encouragement. Again, I apologize if I sounded like a beggar in any of my previous emails, and I will refrain from putting my needs out there – I am choosing to trust God and Him alone, no matter how scary it gets, and I’ll expect to have some very cool praise reports to share with you in the very near future. God bless…