Laurie Ishii

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and may God BLESS you ABUNDANTLY this year!!!

Well, I just found out that SSI did not approve me, again. So, I am praying about where to go from here. I don’t know if I can appeal again – I think I can (and as long as I can, I will) but in the meantime, I feel like I’m supposed to write again.

I am considering changing things around in my book, writing up a different outline to include the cancer diagnosis and someone also had a great idea – to include some of my facebook posts about having cancer.

Please continue to pray regarding my situation, because I am concerned about having no medical insurance – if I can’t get SSI, I won’t get medicare. And with all of my medical conditions, I need insurance! But then again, if God plans on healing me 100% I wont need insurance…

In the meantime, I need lots of prayer concerning my financial situation. If I am able to ‘survive’ on the $1,000 the Dream Center gives me each month, along with any random donations I get from people…I will be able to write for hours a day, every day, and I’ll be able to finish the book in 1-2 years tops. When I was taking the writing course, I was writing and editing about one chapter a week. Then I will need to start pitching my book to agents and publishers.

In the meantime…I need donors!!! Please pray for monthly donors – I am working on getting an organization to sponsor me – so when people donate to me, they can get a tax receipt. God has been SO FAITHFUL to supply my needs!

This weekend I am going to get off the fentanyl patch I’ve been on for months – it’s for the pain I still have extreme pain in my back, neck, shoulders but also my CHEST – every time I get ‘expanded’ I am up all night for days because the pain is so bad. It feels like someone is siting on my chest as well as someone with a dull knife inside my body, scraping their way out of the skin on my chest. It is NOT pleasant. But, I do not want to be on the patch anymore. I have two more surgeries to go and I do not want to go under the knife while I’m still on the patch and my tolerance to pain medication is 10 times the ‘normal’ person. Realistically, the doctor told me that I will have to take something for pain. So I am praying I will have to take as little as possible, or none.

To come off the patch I will need to get on Suboxone. I need money to see the Psychiatrist who prescribes the drug – most doctors who prescribe Suboxone only take cash – it takes a ‘special’ license to prescribe Suboxone. Fortunately, this doctor is on my insurance, but I still have a co-pay of $25 I have to pay him each time I see him. I’m asking you to PLEASE PRAY for this weekend – I have to be the patch off at least 24 hours before taking the Suboxone – otherwise I will immediately go into withdrawals. It sounds weird, but I have to be in withdrawals to be able to take the Suboxone. The doctor will make sure that I have definite signs of withdrawal symptoms before prescribing me the Suboxone. I see him on Monday at noon – and I am not looking forward to going through ANY kind of withdrawals!!! It reminds me of kicking heroin!!!

Suboxone is much easier to come off of than it is coming off of opiates, which is why I am going this route instead of trying to do it on my own. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to get off the patch without going through withdrawals – unless I take Suboxone, weaning off and stopping that way. My next surgery is on February the 29th – to replace the expanders with implants. Lord willing, I’ll be off both the patch and Suboxone by then. The next surgery will be 3 months after that.

Thank you so much for your prayers.

This is my very human self, expressing my very human thoughts. After what happened yesterday when I checked the mail (the amazing letter from Cedar Sinai covering my hospital bills) you’d think I’d be miss superfaith. But I’m still lil ole human me. I would guess that most people my age don’t have to think about this kind of stuff. Most people my age already have their life in some kind of ‘order’ – they didn’t drop out of high school, use drugs half their life, get married, divorced, married, divorced, start all over, be sick or get sick and be on their own when they had nothing but the clothes on their back and a dog lol! Well, lately I’ve found myself (especially lately) feeling…so lost…not having any sort of direction.

I’ve been thinking all day…sure, I know that I can do anything through Jesus. I just don’t know what I want to do, or what I’m ‘supposed’ to do. I feel too old to do some things, and too inexperienced to do other things…I haven’t had any schooling, training or experience besides doing hair, which I’m very good at and I really enjoy…but I don’t want to do that for the rest of my life and I don’t even think it’s what I’m supposed to do (plus, if I were to do that I’d need to go back to school, retake the state board and renew my license and I’m also not even sure I’d physically be able to work for hours on my feet in a salon)…I enjoy writing but after everything that has happened in my life in the last year, I feel like I’m gonna have to start writing all over again from scratch and even then – I need to make a living (!) if I want to have a place to live and I don’t even know how to go about getting published. I am so tired, scared of being on my own and scared of not being able to make it with no money, no education, no job…I don’t want to be dependent on the government for my income (SSI – I still don’t even know if I’ll be able to qualify)…I don’t want to have to depend on anyone except myself (and of course, God) and yet I’m afraid, because of my health/medical condition(s) – that might be a bit difficult, if not unrealistic. I’m willing to do whatever I have to and I’ll work hard so that I can make it on my own…I just need direction.

This next year is full of the unknown and it’s scary. All I can do is continue to ask Jesus for guidance and provision (He has totally proved over and over – that He is my provider!) and I must continually pray against fear. I don’t want to be frozen to where I don’t do anything because I’m too scared to step out in faith and try something new. Please pray for direction – that the Lord will show me what it is that He wants me to do…what direction for me to take…guidance and confirmation. I probably sound like I don’t have any faith…and in a way I don’t, at least in myself. I want to…I pray that Jesus would give me more faith in Him! I feel so lame – after all that God has done in my life (especially in the last six months!) you’d think I’d never doubt God for anything ever again! I suppose I’m just afraid of the unknown, and I’m afraid of my inability to do what I’ve never really had to do on my own before. I’ve never had to do anything ‘alone’ before – I’ve always either had someone to rely on or I’ve been on drugs and for some reason, when I was on drugs I didn’t fear anything lol – I had such false confidence in myself! I thought I could do anything, and I could – I could START anything – but I could never finish anything! Now having Jesus I know that I can do anything with His strength and power, but it’s so weird, because I still have to make myself get started and for some reason relying on Jesus instead of self can be difficult too! I’ve been sober for years now but this is the first time I’ve been sober and alone – on my own. I’m totally thankful for this opportunity because I know that through this I will learn a LOT more about myself and about God’s faithfulness. But at the same time – I am not too embarrassed to admit that I’m scared.

Maybe it’s just me, but I have so many “What if’s?” and there are some days where I am just so tired of living another day – I would seriously be fine if Jesus were to take me home – I’ve lived a very full life and I am grateful. There’s only one more thing I want to do in life before I die and I have yet to do it, so I keep pushing through…and of course I want to fulfill God’s purpose in me, be used by Him and point as many people as possible to Jesus. But other than that, I’d be happy if He took me home tomorrow.

Oh well. I probably sound like a weirdo. Please continue to pray for me. Thank you. I’ve just been ‘pondering’ all day – probably thinking way too much. I should just go to bed…

I AM LITERALLY IN TEARS RIGHT NOW, GOD IS SO SO SO SO GOOD I CAN HARDLY STOP CRYING AND CAN BARELY SEE THROUGH MY TEARS!!! I have (literally) STACKS of medical bills on my kitchen table. A number of the envelopes have not even been opened, because I was getting so overwhelmed and had no way of even coming CLOSE to paying SINGLE BILL. It would only make me depressed. Well, because the stack was so high and covered my table, I decided that today would be a good day to go ahead and open all the envelopes, even if just to organize them and put them in some type of order…

Well, dated SEPTEMBER 06, 2011 (Sheesh, I could have opened this WEEKS AGO!!!) I opened and read my application for FINANCIAL AID.

Underlined in RED…(there are some limitations but regardless)…the majority reads: “BASED UPON THE INFORMATION YOU SUBMITTED, YOU ARE ELIGIBLE TO A DISCOUNT OF 100%. ACCORDINGLY, YOU WILL OWE A BALANCE OF $0.00 TO THE MEDICAL CENTER FOR OUTSTANDING BALANCES WITH SERVICE DATES PRIOR TO THE DATE OF THIS LETTER. THE SAME PERCENTAGE DISCOUNT WILL APPLY TO OUTSTANDING FACULTY PHYSICIAN ACCOUNTS WITH SERVICE DATES PRIOR TO THE DATE OF THIS LETTER…”

AND THIS 100% DISCOUNT CONTINUES TO BE ELIGIBLE THROUGH 03/06/2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS BECAUSE OF MY JESUS – THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!! IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF MY JESUS, MY MERCIFUL, AMAZING, LOVING SAVIOR, MY FRIEND, MY FATHER, MY EVERLASTING, JUST, RIGHTEOUS, POWERFUL GOD…

Note: I’m still marveling at His goodness. Just to give you an idea of what kind of ‘numbers’ we’re dealing with here – the bills that were written off weren’t just a few hundred dollars…one of the bills that was written off was my mastectomy – $136,528.94 (AFTER my insurance)…there was another bill for $6,013.00, another for $13,432.00…and these bills were only from the months of April-July 1010 and Cedars said they will cover 100% (not all, but certain hospital bills) until March of TWO THOUSAND AND TWELVE!!!! BLOWN AWAY…THANK YOU JESUS…♥♥♥…

The last couple weeks have been amazing. Especially this last week. God is so good and I am so grateful!!!

Jesus has given me the opportunity to share the gospel with a number of different people at the cancer clinic. Granted, radiation has it’s side effects – the main one is fatigue and tiredness. I did end up horribly sick, throwing up like Linda Blair in the Exorcist – it was pretty frightening – enough to send me to the ER after my friend Victoria called my cancer surgeon who said my vomiting was ‘alarming’ and for me to go to the ER. Oh how I hate going to the ER, as they never seem to figure out what the root of my problem is – all I get is a big fat bill and I waste an entire day/night. All I wanted was someone to stay with me and ‘hold my hand’ if you will – just so I didn’t have to be alone – which is what I’ll do next time, because I definitely cannot afford anymore bills. I literally have STACKS of hospital bills on my kitchen table right now. Please pray that Cedars Sinai will grant me 100% coverage as I’ve applied for ‘hardship financial aid’ for my hospital bills.

Although my radiation doctor swears there is no way the radiation could be causing the nausea I’ve had – he’s still given me a prescription for anti-nausea medicine and ER doctor finally came to the conclusion that the cause of my sickness was in fact, because of the radiation.

But more than anything – it’s the fatigue that hits me the hardest. There are days where all I can do is make it to the cancer clinic, get radiation, come home, lay down and fight to stay awake during the day so I can sleep at night. The bummer is that regardless of how I make myself stay awake till 9pm or later, I still wake up between 1am-3am and don’t fall back asleep until around 5am and wake up for the day between 9am-10am.

My last day is Thursday, the 20th. I have made so many friends at the cancer clinic that I really look forward to going over there every day and I am going to miss it after my radiation is finished next week.

It’s interesting, because the patients who go to the clinic all either appear cheerful and smiley – or downcast and withdrawn. There aren’t many patients that appear ‘in-between’. One of my favorite patients was an older Jewish woman named Janet. She finished her radiation treatment last week. She ‘adopted’ me – I’d jokingly call her ‘mom’ and she was always giving me advice, such as not to drink too much of my favorite free hot chocolate the machine serves at the clinic.

On her last day of treatment, I had brought her a pretty potted orchid as a ‘graduation’ present, and she was very pleased. I had also included a card and a testimony tract. I was able to share some of my story with her during our daily conversations, but I was sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and didn’t talk about Jesus (only God) since she was Jewish. One day after treatment she was all dressed up; I told her she looked nice and she said it was because she was going to the temple and that she would say a prayer for me. The day of her ‘graduation’ she asked for my number so we could stay in touch, and I’m hoping she’ll call me one of these days.

As the days go by and I see the same people each day, I really pray and ask the Lord to show me how I can be a blessing to my fellow patients and befriend them. I have made friends with an older African American man named ‘Joe’ – he has prostrate cancer. I haven’t had a chance to talk about Jesus with him yet – right now I feel I’m just supposed to be a friend. I can tell he is happy to see me and he goes out of his way to greet me and say goodbye before he leaves each day.

There is another man named ‘Ali’ – he is Middle Eastern – he has a 5cm brain tumor and whenever he finishes getting his treatment he comes out holding his head and his eyes are all squinty. He is such a nice man, always smiling (except after he comes out of treatment) I told him that I will be praying for him. Since the first day he has come to the clinic he has always been with his two sisters – they are both so nice and friendly. The other day I introduced myself to them and as we began talking – I just sensed that they knew Jesus – and asked if they were Christians. They said “Yes!” They shared that they were both strong Muslims but came to Christ – one over ten years ago – the other 6-7 years ago. They’ve been praying for their brother and asked that I pray for him too.

They asked how I became a Christian – and you know I was more than happy to tell them all about how Jesus saved me! They were so sweet – one kept saying she was so proud of me and they said they love me and gave me hugs before they left. I want to invite them and Ali to church before my radiation treatment is finished.

A couple days ago I also met a woman named Nachole – her mother also has breast cancer and is undergoing radiation. I introduced myself and shared with her how happy I was to be at the clinic and how I loved it cause I felt like all the radiation patients are in a ‘secret club’ LOL – like we have some kind of ‘bond’ because we’re all going through treatment. I don’t know what else I said but the following day, she told me that she was so blessed to meet me – she shared with her mother that she didn’t feel sorry for me lol – she felt sorry for herself. She said that she was so amazed to see me smiling and grateful – it made her take a good look at her priorities. I asked her if she knew Jesus and she did/does – and she said if I ever fly back east (she’s from Alabama) to please call her – she gave me her number and said she’d love it if I could talk to her youth group kids sometime.

I was also blessed to share Jesus with a Filipino valet outside the clinic – we have been talking since the day I started radiation – his name is Greg. We’ve developed a friendship and the other day I felt like it was time to share Jesus with him – sharing my past with him and giving him one of my testimony tracts. He asked if he could keep it – and he just asked me question after question until my access transportation/ride came to drive me home.

On the way home I met another woman who got in the access van and was able to share Jesus with her too! I gave her a tract and she asked if she could keep it – I’m gonna need to figure out a way to print some more soon – I’ve only got about three more. It was such a blessing to share Jesus that I was walking on clouds the past few days!

Thursday night I had a problem logging onto my AA&T online account – I wanted to pay my phone bill and I didn’t know my password – well I called AT&T and was on the phone with a representative – still on FIRE from the days events lol – and because he had to send me a temporary password by email and he said it could take 12-15 minutes before I got it – I jokingly said I wasn’t gonna let him hang up until I figured out how to get around my account so while we waited, we should talk. I told him I had cancer and how I was getting radiation and asked if he knew anyone who had cancer and he said a whole bunch of people in his family died of cancer – he listed both his grandparents, a cousin ad another cousin – and I blurted out, “Wow – that’s horrible. Do you know Jesus?” I mean – my thought was wow – how scary – he desperately needs Jesus!!!

He answered, “Unfortunately, no.” I was like – “Unfortunately? Did you hear what I said? I mean, who I was talking about? Jesus?” He said, “Yeah, Jesus Christ.” I was almost flabbergasted lol. I said “Wow. Well do you WANT to know Jesus?” and he said, “YEAH.” I mean talk about divine appointment – it was almost too good to be true! So I asked him if I could share the gospel with him and then lead him in a prayer to receive Jesus as his Lord and Savior. He said “Yes.” So I did. Then when I was gonna pray I asked if there were people (co-workers) all around and if it would get him in trouble if they hear him praying and if he’d prefer I lead him in the prayer and he pray along with me without having to repeat every word but meaning it in his heart and talking to God on his own after we got off the phone (cause he was gonna get off work in like 8 minutes – it was almost midnight) he was in New York. So he said that would be better.

So, I prayed and afterward he thanked me and I asked him if he had a bible and he said no so I told him he could find me on fb and if he didn’t think it was too weird he could give me his address and I’d send him a bible and about 15 minutes after we hung up he requested me as a friend on fb. Later he told me he could get fired for contacting a customer but that I was the most interesting customer he’d ever had, that his life has been changed and he was willing to take the risk. Isn’t that crazy!? I was so excited – to lead someone to Jesus on the phone – a complete stranger and one who was a service rep…all I can say is what a privilege! Lol!

I could go on and on because there were more instances throughout my week where God gave me opportunities to share Jesus with access drivers, fellow patients, passengers, nurses…it is SUCH a blessing to be used by God in such a small way. All I do is pray and ask God to make me sensitive to His leading – to guide me and use me however He chooses. I am going to ask the nurses at the hospital how I can (or if I can) be a volunteer in the cancer clinic after my treatment is over – because I am really gonna MISS going to the clinic every day!!!

Jesus blows my mind. I am so grateful to know Him.

Okay, I’m trying not to panic. I’ve been sick since last night, just got home from the cancer clinic and I’m going to try and rest if my brain will shut off…everyone I know who has SSI says they get denied at least once. So, I’m just going to appeal…I don’t know how to go about it but I think I’m gonna try using Binder and Binder…I started using them in the past but didn’t follow through because I wasn’t able to keep my appointments and couldn’t get around the way I am able to now, having Access Transportation has been a huge help, taking me to my radiation and pain mgmt treatments…last time I was too sick to take the bus (like now) but at least if I can use Access I can make appointments Binder and Binder sends me to…

I am choosing not to freak out and I am choosing to trust God, even though every part of me wants to lose it right now.

All I’m asking for is PRAYER. Thank you…

A couple weeks ago I received an email from someone who wrote, “Please break the poverty mentality and stand up spiritually!”

Well, that was a wake up call. You see, I have always hated having to do fundraisers. The the entire time I was president of After Hours, we didn’t have any fundraisers – I did make people aware of our needs and God provided, but I’ve always felt awkward, as if I was ‘begging’ by asking people for money. I’ve heard different opinions from different people, some who say that if we trust God, we should never have to ask for money – He knows our needs, so we shouldn’t have to tell anyone what they are. Then there are other people who say that we should give people the opportunity to be a blessing and to be be a part of something God is doing, by letting them know what our needs are.

I’ll admit, that when I’ve gotten in a ‘panic’ – I have let people know of my needs – and I have come to realize that I tend to come across like a ‘woe is me’ beggar; and it disgusts me. So when that person wrote, “Please break the poverty mentality and stand up spiritually!” I was not in the least offended – instead I was forced to look within and acknowledge my neediness and I came to realize that although I say that I trust God – if I do – then I don’t need to panic. If I believe that God gave me this apartment and I am supposed to live here – then I should believe that He will provide for me to stay here.

So, I have come to the conclusion, that instead of telling people what my needs are, I will only tell God what my needs are (not as if He doesn’t know, but if I’m stressing out about it – He’s the only one I’ll talk to about it)…and trust that He will take care of me. This is a scary step for me, but it’s also exciting to see what He’s gonna do.

If I have offended anyone or have come across to you as one who has ‘poverty mentality’ – please forgive me. That definitely was never my intention, and if anything, I’m pretty embarrassed to be seen as such.

Anyway, as far as the cancer situation goes – I want to thank you so much for your prayer – the bone scans I had revealed that the cancer did NOT spread to my bones. Thank You Jesus!

However, the triple phase bone scan did reveal that I have RSD/CRPS – just to give you an idea of what that is – I copied and pasted the following from http://www.rsdhope.org/crps-overview.html :

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome, RSDS, is now referred to as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, CRPS. CRPS is a progressive disease of the Autonomic Nervous System whose pain is characterized as constant, extremely intense, and out of proportion to the original injury. The pain is typically accompanied by swelling, skin changes, sensitivity, and can often be debilitating. It usually affects one or more of the four limbs but can occur in any part of the body.

CRPS is ranked as the most painful form of chronic pain that exists today by the McGill Pain Index.

There are FOUR Main Symptoms/Criteria of CRPS:

Constant chronic burning pain (includes allodynia – extreme sensitivity to touch, sound, and vibration)
Inflammation (this can affect the appearance of the skin, bruising, mottling, etc.)
Spasms-in blood vessels and muscles of the extremities
Insomnia/Emotional Disturbance (includes the major changes to the limbic system such as short-term memory problems, concentration difficulties, etc.)

Let me just say, that although I have an extremely HIGH pain tolerance, yet the pain I have been experiencing ever since I had the mastectomy – not the mastectomy itself, but from the RSD in my right shoulder, arm, wrist and hand has to be some of the worst, if not the worse pain I have ever experienced before. It has kept me up night after night for the past few weeks.

But praise God – I have a great pain management doctor who is really determined to help me. She has performed two minor (outpatient) surgeries/procedures where anesthesia is injected into a nerve in my neck near my windpipe, to block the pain. So far, I haven’t noticed much of a difference, but she said it may take a few more of these procedures before I would notice a difference. In the meantime, she has me on a patch which helps dull the pain. Either way, I’d much rather have pain from RSD than pain from cancer!

I have also started radiation. The radiation doctor said that I would not get sick or nauseous, only fatigued from the radiation. I was very grateful for that, because that was my main concern if I were to have to have chemo. Which, by the way – I DO NOT HAVE TO GET CHEMO!!! PRAISE GOD!!!

Well, the first two days of radiation were a breeze. I was in and out of there within 20 minutes, tops – went home, ate dinner and felt fine. On the third day, I barely made it home from the hospital before throwing up my guts, well into the night. :’( The next day I went to the radiation clinic and told my doctor, who still insisted that it wasn’t the radiation that was making me sick, but who prescribed me anti-nausea medicine anyway…

I have only gotten sick one other day since I started taking the anti-nausea pills. The rest of the side effects – the fatigue – has been hitting me quite hard. I am sleepy all day but have difficulty sleeping at night. But I am grateful – I’d much rather be tired than sick!

I have had a number of opportunities to share Jesus with my doctors, the nurses and the patients at the cancer clinic. I have been able to pray with and witness to my access transportation people who pick me up and take me to appointments on the days where I only have radiation.

The biggest and best times where I’ve been able to share Jesus with my doctors and nurses is when I have had to get my RSD procedure at the pain clinic – because they have to start an IV on me. The first time we had to start an IV we ended up having to cancel the procedure after about 25 sticks in different areas of my body by 3 doctors and 4 nurses, each trying to give it their best shot, with no luck. (Not to mention – the previous day where I had the exact same situation TWICE with different doctors and nurses when I went to get the bone scan and triple phase bone scan.)

The following two times I was at the pain clinic I was able to show them where to stick me and guide them on how to do it – and thank God, we were able to start an IV. My doctor and the anesthesiologist said I should become a phlebotomist. In the meantime, one of the nurses was so curious as to how I came to know Jesus – she sat there asking me question after question, then saying she wished I would write a book lol. I told her it’s in the process, and she got all excited and said she’d be sure to buy one!

Not having any veins always leads to asking questions – which leads me to telling them that I was a junkie, used up all my veins, etc. and then, they ask the big question: “How were you able to stop using?” Which gives me the floor lol – to telling them about how Jesus delivered me and set me free! I praise God for the opportunity to use what could be, and most likely IS what the devil intended for evil – God uses for good once again!

The last few weeks have been pretty tough. I’ll admit I was getting pretty discouraged when I new something was extremely wrong with my arm but the doctors couldn’t figure out what was causing the incredible pain I was experiencing – wondering if the cancer had spread and if it hadn’t – what was causing the terrible pain. I spent a number of nights in tears, crying and begging God to ease the pain.

There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed. But I know I have to push myself and get through…I pray every day for divine appointments, joy and I make the choice to have a good attitude, even when I feel like being a total grouch. Jesus honors that choice with a great opportunity to talk to someone or just gives me a great day. I wrote the following on a facebook post one day when I was nauseous and frustrated…

I love Jesus no matter what I feel, in spite of what I feel, regardless of whether or not He heals me. And I can say this, and mean it, from the bottom of my heart with every part of my being; that I KNOW Jesus loves ME, regardless of what He does or doesn’t do for me – as far as I’m concerned, He already did it all on the cross…

Yet I will never be ‘satisfied’ and I will always strive for more – I strive to be more like Jesus and like the apostle Paul, I want to learn to be CONTENT IN ALL THINGS:

“Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:11-13)

And: “Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)

Okay I’m sorry lol I’m preaching to myself here…but I’m so serious, I love Jesus so much and I feel privileged to share in the sufferings of Christ:

“Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:8-11

AND HERE IS MY HOPE:

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So, I apologize that this was so long (again, as usual) – thank you so much for your prayers, support and encouragement. Again, I apologize if I sounded like a beggar in any of my previous emails, and I will refrain from putting my needs out there – I am choosing to trust God and Him alone, no matter how scary it gets, and I’ll expect to have some very cool praise reports to share with you in the very near future. God bless…

As you know, I’ve been really wrestling with making a decision regarding chemo vs. alternative/no chemo. Right from the very beginning, I have been totally against chemo and radiation. I have researched both and I believe that both are terrible. Chemo destroys the immune system along with the cancer and kills people faster than cancer does. There are no negative side affects doing alternative medicine and I’m still eating green leafy veggies, no meat, little or no dairy, etc., exercising (which, right now, is walking), drinking lots of water – I still totally believe in doing alternative medicine and I believe it will be very vital in building up my immune system after the chemo kills it!

When I first had my doctor tell me that I would definitely need to get chemo, I was so upset. I beat myself up about cancelling my first scheduled surgery in April – if I had gotten surgery back then, my doctor had said I most likely wouldn’t have needed chemo because my tumors were estrogen positive (meaning they responded and grew according to my body’s production of estrogen) and I would only need to take a pill for 5 years to keep my estrogen levels down.

Of course looking back and wishing I ‘would have’ or ‘should have’ or wondering, ‘what if?’ was counterproductive, but as I reflect back on the whole situation, I have no regrets. I did not have any peace about getting surgery back in April. I was so anxious about what I should do or what not to do – had I just went ahead and done the surgery I most likely would have regretted it later – because I hadn’t at least TRIED alternative medicine and saw for myself that it didn’t work

Just because it didn’t work for me, in my situation – does that mean I believe alternative medicine doesn’t work? Not at all – I still believe in alternative medicine. But I also believe that we are individuals, and different methods work for different people in different situations. God has truly helped me to better understand that many things aren’t so ‘black and white’ – each situation is different, and each individual is different. One certain thing is not necessarily right for every single individual. I’ve always been such a black and white person – I’ve thought, if it’s good for me it must be good for everyone – to the point of imposing my belief or opinion onto other people and judging them if they didn’t agree with me.

The Lord has me in a very interesting position – because I am so ‘anti’ chemo – I’ve really had to swallow my pride, surrendering my will to my Fathers.

I’ve been asking Him what to do about my cancer treatment – I mean, the decision isn’t like I’m deciding whether or not I should I eat steak or chicken lol – this is a life changing decision; it could literally mean my life or death. I wanted to make sure that I was making the wisest decision and most importantly, a Spirit led decision.

Everything in me says that doing chemo is the most foolish, detrimental decision possible – I might as well be signing my own death certificate. I do not want to be sick, lose my hair or, worst-case scenario – die. Although I am not afraid of death – there are still things I’d like to do and I’d like to stick around for a while! J

So, why in the world would I do chemo? The same reason I mentioned a month or so ago. I believe that God wants to use me to share Jesus in the cancer clinic.

When my doctor first told me I’d have to do chemo, she told me that she wouldn’t even sign the papers for long term SSI until I agreed treatment. Sure, I need SSI. I have no income. I have no idea where my next dollar will come from. But please, let me make this clear: I AM NOT DOING CHEMO BECAUSE I AM AFRAID THAT IF I DON’T DO IT, I WON’T GET SSI. I know that God will provide for me regardless of whether or not I get SSI – besides, I have enough other medical problems to get SSI lol . . . but if I’m completely honest, I fall into stressing out regarding my finances. So, I really prayed and asked God to search my heart and motives, so I could be certain that fear wouldn’t be in the back of my mind, influencing any of my decisions.

Someone wrote to me asking me not to get chemo, saying that chemo is from the devil. I told this person that I really felt that Jesus wants to use me in the cancer clinic, and the person said, “God will use you anywhere Laurie. You don’t need to be in a cancer clinic getting chemo. Don’t buy into that as I believe it is a lie from the enemy trying to justify his bull crap.” Well, I agree that God can and use me anywhere. But I also know that in the past, God has called me to go to places that didn’t make any sense to me, to teach me things I otherwise wouldn’t have learned. There were ministries the Lord told me to be a part of where I was like, “NO WAY – why in the world would You want me to be a part of that?” He didn’t tell me why – but He kept on nudging me, giving me confirmation that I was to go, until I did. I learned later that much of the reason I was at a certain place or ministry was so that I could learn what NOT to do when I started a ministry, as well as using me to make changes . . . I’ve learned that Jesus doesn’t necessarily send me to places where I want to go, where I can further a vision or where I can protect or preserve my life. Of course, I believe I am to be a good steward of ‘my’ body. Yet at the same time – my body is not my own. I was bought with a price, the precious blood of Jesus (1 Cor. 6:20) and this verse keeps coming to my mind also: “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 16:25

Sunday, I went to Angelus Temple. I had been praying all weekend for confirmation regarding chemotherapy treatment – I had already felt that I was supposed to do chemo, but because I did NOT want to do it, I’d been asking Jesus to spare me from it – if possible, to please make another way. Well, Pastor Tommy Barnett spoke that morning on how ‘second conversions’ are many times born out of pain. He said so many things that morning that spoke to me and my situation – I felt like he wrote his sermon just for me and I stayed for the second service to hear it again!

He talked about Acts 10 and Peter and I wish I could go into all the details but if I tried, I’d just mess up a perfectly wonderful sermon. Basically, all of my doubts were erased; all of my questions were answered. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I am supposed to get chemo. Not because it’s the ‘best’ route to combat the cancer – not because it’s going to save my life – but because this is the route God wants me to take, the way Jesus is going to use me to save other people’s lives (souls).

So, that’s my reason for doing chemo. I’ll get my chemo schedule after I see the chemo oncologist (which I have yet to make an appointment with – I’m waiting someone from their office to call me) and I see the radiation oncologist tomorrow, along with my surgical oncologist.

I have total peace about my decision and I know that no matter what happens, Jesus will be with me.

I am really asking people to PLEASE PRAY regarding my having to get chemotherapy and/or radiation, as well as my financial situation. I saw my surgical oncologist yesterday and she gave me (some of) the results of the surgery.

First of all, I believe that God wanted me to live where I’m at and I totally believe that He gave me this apartment. I also believe that somehow, (miraculously) He will provide a way for me to keep it. When I first found out I had cancer, I was staying a few doors down from where I’m staying now – in the same apartment complex. Although I was grateful for being allowed to stay there for a short time, the living situation wasn’t ideal to come home to after surgery – I was sleeping on the floor and it just wasn’t good at all. Plus I was given 30 days notice and I had to find a place to live. I literally had NO IDEA where to go after my surgery, especially with absolutely NO MONEY. I needed to be close to Cedar Sinai, so I could make it to all of my appointments, and I also wanted to be close enough to church. The location where I was at was ideal – just not the living situation, which was one of the reasons why I cancelled the first surgery date, which was originally on April 23rd.

One morning, I was crying and asking God what to do, where to go . . . and I felt like He told me to ask the apartment mgr here if she would rent to me even though I have Pablo (dogs aren’t allowed here – which is why the Dream Center couldn’t take me either – no pets allowed). I went to talk to her, asked her if she’d rent to me even though I had Pablo. She said yes, because Pablo and I were already here – she’d already seen us walking around the apartment complex lol.

God has been SO FAITHFUL – He has used a number of people to bless me with gift cards or finances at the most perfect time – these last few months have been a complete walk of faith – there’s no way I would have made it so far without the love and support from people and of course, from Jesus.

This is the first time I have ever felt like I’ve had a HOME . . . I love this apartment so much and it is right in the middle of everything and everywhere I need to go (by foot or by bus) to the grocery store, post office, the bank; the social security office is a block away and my primary doctor is walking distance, a block away.

I also believe that God would have me use my apartment as a place to have people over to fellowship, have bible studies, etc.

Pastor Matthew and the LA Dream Center helped me by paying first and last month’s rent and will be giving me $1,000 a month – August, September, October and November toward rent. They also gave me furniture and kitchen appliances! Of course, I also have other expenses, such as phone, electricity, gas . . . when I rented the place, I told the mgr the church was helping me for six months and that I had no money and had no idea where I’d be getting an income after that. She rented to me anyway but I didn’t realize till a couple weeks ago that I had signed a year lease. In all the rush and excitement I didn’t even ask until later . . .

A friend recommended I ask people for help – I don’t want to be a charity case but realistically I cannot work right now (although I am, as soon as I am well enough to – am going to look into getting my cosmetology license renewed, writing and completing my memoirs and possibly even writing a children’s book with my adventures with Pablo helping me after my cancer surgery, lol!) and I am STILL waiting for my SSI to go through. My friend said I should ask if people would be willing to donate $10-$20 a month and if like 10-20 people were to do that it would really be a big help! I had to agree.

I know there are many things I can do – this is the first time I have ever really been completely on my own and lived by myself. I feel so free and I love it . . . I am learning so much budgeting what little money I have and being responsible for myself alone. (And Pabbie, of course)

My surgical oncologist had me agree to the treatment (radiation/chemo) if she were going to sign for long term disability . . . at my visit yesterday she said I had SIX cancers. (Six cancerous tumors) were removed. Two of them were from the same ‘family’ – they were both estrogen positive – which means that they respond and multiply to estrogen. If I were to take a pill to keep my estrogen levels low, the likeliness of cancer coming back would be lessened.

If the other 4 cancers were not ‘daughters’ of the other two – the treatment (chemo) would be different – different drugs to ‘fight’ the different cancers.

This afternoon another wonderful woman come over to my apartment – she’s a licensed caregiver – she volunteered to help cook clean, do laundry etc. for me after surgery. She did my laundry (she brought quarters and wouldn’t let me give her money for them!), dishes, and brought me juice and Ensure in case I was too sick to eat. What a blessing!

She asked me if I was getting chemo, and I told her I’m supposed to start in 3 weeks. She looked sad and looked at the ground . . . she said it was my decision, but that I needed to know that chemo kills people faster than cancer does. (Which I already knew – which is why I SO do NOT want to do chemo!) She explained that after the chemo treatment, doctors will tell a patient that the cancer has been cleared – but what they won’t tell them is that the patients liver, kidneys and other organs were destroyed from the chemo – because that’s what chemo does – it KILLS EVERYTHING. Again, I already know/knew that!

What I DON’T know, is WHAT I’m supposed to do, because I agreed to do chemo so that my doctor would sign for my SSI and I’m afraid if I decide not to do chemo I won’t get it . . . and I had resolved to looking at this a my new ‘mission field’ – going to the cancer clinic sharing Jesus with the other patients. I was able to share Jesus with all of my nurses while I was in the hospital and I know that the Lord will give me so many opportunities to minister while at the cancer clinic, if that’s what I end up doing. I am willing to do whatever He wants me to do – this isn’t about taking the easiest route – it isn’t even just about saving my life – it’s about laying down my life, and serving others, which will hopefully lead to people getting saved!

I had a couple of people on my facebook who told me they’re friend or family member died or is dying from chemo, not from the cancer and they were practically begging me not to do chemo.

This is where I do not want to let FEAR influence my decisions. Being afraid of what my doctor says, or being afraid of what other people say, or fear of not being able to support myself and getting chemo while I still have insurance because it’s less expensive than doing alternative/eating all raw . . .

I know that what it comes down to, is putting Jesus (and keeping Him there lol) above all. When I fear God, I don’t fear man, or situations, or lack of finances . . . but hey, I’m human . . . I still have my doubts, I still wonder if I’m making the right decisions, etc. . . . and I want so badly to please HIM, because I LOVE HIM, and I know that if I am doing what HE wants me to do, then no matter what happens, even if it’s difficult and tedious – He will give me strength to go through it.

Please continue to pray for me and about the situation I’m in. Please pray that the cancer has all been cleared and hasn’t spread (I still haven’t found that out yet – I have another appointment next Thursday – they’re waiting for the pathology reports) I appreciate you all so much – I am so grateful for all of the encouragement, love, prayers and support before, during and after my surgery – I was so blown away and so blessed.

If you feel the Lord is calling you to help me financially during this season, please go to my paypal www.laurieishii.com or you can email me at laurieish@gmail.com for my mailing address. Thank you so much!!!

Well, my cancer surgeon’s office called yesterday to let me know that my 6-8 hour surgery will be at noon (but to be at the hospital 2 hours early) Wednesday, July 6th . Following my hospital stay, I will recover at a nursing home/aftercare Cedar Sinai is sending me to. I am somewhat nervous, excited and relieved all at the same time.

Nervous (and a little scared) of the unknown and afraid of what I’ll feel like once I wake up and see what my body looks like after the surgery. I’ve had some insensitive men comment that this concern is vanity, but whatever – it’s mostly feeling like part of my ‘womanhood’ is being taken away. I bit my tongue but was so tempted to ask the same men how they’d feel if they had to have their penis cut off.

I’m excited to get the cancer tumors cut out of me, and I’m relieved because I’ve been waiting to get this procedure done for a few weeks now (actually, a few months, but I chickened out back in April and cancelled the scheduled April 23th surgery out of fear and indecisiveness) I just wanted to be absolutely sure that whatever treatment I chose to go with, I’d be certain and have peace, so that I wouldn’t look back later and wish that I had done something differently.

Since this whole thing has happened, God has been working so amazingly in my life (well, He always has, but it seems through the worst trials He’s shown up even so much more) and I am so blessed and grateful for His goodness.

My relationships with my family have been renewed and have flourished. I have met so many amazing people, made new friends and have grown even closer to the friends I’ve already had. People I’ve never even met in person until now have come over and brought me food, taken me grocery shopping, prayed for me, helped me move and have given me furniture.

The LA Dream Center has helped me, so that I was able to rent a new apartment unit. The staff there has taken down numbers of people who want to help me with rides to the store, doctor appointments, taken me to lunch, etc. and days where I’ve felt really bad – I’ve been able to call someone and they’ve taken me to get medicine or to the store, as well as a number of friends from different churches, cities and even states – have helped me in some way or another. Many of whom I have not even met (yet!) in person!

I have a wonderful friend who has watched Pablo twice for over a week and who will watch him during and after my surgery and while I’m at the aftercare facility. I am SO GRATEFUL to have someone I trust to watch my baby; she also has her own baby, a female Chihuahua – Pablo’s new girlfriend, hee hee. J He LOVES staying with them and gets so excited to go over to their place!

Over the years, God has really been humbling me and even more so, recently, He’s teaching me (mostly, by putting me in a desperate situation!) how to ask people for help! I’ve been self-reliant most of my life, mainly because I didn’t trust anyone and I didn’t ever want to have to rely on anyone (‘if you want something done, do it yourself’ was one of my mottos) and I’ve always hated asking other people for help. Sometimes because I didn’t want to be rejected, sometimes because I didn’t want anyone to know that I needed help! How prideful!

Through the last few months, Jesus has used so many people to demonstrate His love towards me. I have literally been blown away by the generosity of time; resources and even money people have shown me. Receiving cash, checks, gift cards (some even anonymous) in the mail has been amazing and always right on time (like when I was wondering where my next meal was coming of how I’d pay my phone bill or medical bill . . . seriously, I wouldn’t have made it this long if not for people’s help!!! I literally have NO stable income. Yes, I’ve applied for SSI, but it still hasn’t gone through yet.

God has given me a beautiful new apartment, and my dream is, to somehow keep it, miraculously . . . my entire adult life, I’ve never lived in the same place for more than a year, besides the last apartment I lived in. I am so tired of moving . . . I sure would love to make a home somewhere. Sometimes I’ve felt like a wanderer, so if Jesus didn’t want me to get too comfortable in one place that’s okay too. Wherever He wants to send me, I will go, because I know that’s where I’ll be the happiest anyway.

If He wants me to stay where I am now, He will provide the means for me to stay. If not, I trust that He has somewhere else for me.

Jesus has shown me that He is so faithful and true to His Word; He will never leave or forsake me, He has been pouring His love out upon me in such a powerful way during this, one of the most difficult times of my life. I feel more loved at this point of my life than I ever have, my whole life.

I feel like a princess – God’s princess. I’ll admit that many times, I feel ‘guilty’ and so undeserving of God’s love and the goodness He’s shown me through His people. I have learned how amazing it is to see the Body of Christ operate together – there is no way that one single person – or even a dozen people could – what all of the people combined these last few months, have done, to help me!!!

There are some days where I just cry, because of how overwhelmed I am, how LOVED I feel by so many people. I am eternally grateful, and I want each and every one of those of you who have touched my life in some way or another – from just sending me an email, phone call or fb msg to encourage me, taking me to lunch, sending me gift cards, money, giving me a ride, etc. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU!!! May God BLESS you a thousand times over the way you have blessed me! You have made me feel loved and special, like a princess!!!

I am SO GRATEFUL!!! I got the keys for my new apartment today!!! Yay!!! There is an abundance of closets and closet space, two hallway closets, living room closet, bedroom closet…and I hardly have anything to fill them with lol! I don’t have any furniture, and realized as I called the electric company – I’ll need a few lamps for the bedroom and living room…and I would still love a roommate!

I’m considering cancelling my cell phone and just getting a landline and a cheap pay by minute cell phone for when I’m out…I haven’t decided yet. I’ll need internet access…or not…I may just have to use my phone if I decide to keep it. I’ll have to figure that out later. I’ll pay for gas and electricity and because I have no income, I qualify for low income and should get a bit of a discount once I get SSI – which hopefully, will be SOON (a few months)…

It’s just a couple doors down from where I already live now except I’ll be on the ground floor instead of the second floor. The apartment complex is secure and is surrounded by a fence covered with vines. There is a security camera over the gate/entrance I use.

Surgery. Well, I wasn’t thrilled when my surgeon told me that the soonest I can get surgery is JULY 6th – I woke up this morning feeling so sick – achy and dripping wet with sweat again – I was crying, calling people to pray for me because I literally felt (feel) like something (toxic) is killing me from the inside out. I texted my surgeon and told her I didn’t care about saving my boobs – all I cared about was (is) saving my LIFE!!! I asked her if I could just get surgery now and reconstruction later – because the plastic surgeon is what’s keeping me from getting surgery sooner than July 6th. He’s booked and then he goes on vacation next week. My doctor said it would be a much more complicated surgery if I did the surgery and reconstructive – I’d have to take a piece out of my back instead of doing it all at once with the expanders…

So, I have 20 days till my surgery and I have to trust God that He will keep the cancer from spreading…I mean, if it spread from 2 to 5 tumors and more lymph nodes in 6 weeks…how much can it spread in 3??? So this is where I’m really gonna have to trust God, that He’s in control…

I am so so grateful for the Body of Christ…my friends who have offered to help me move, or help me after surgery and for the LA Dream Center and Pastor Matthew for helping me financially to make it possible to get the apartment!!! God is truly taking care of me, providing for me and meeting my every need. He is so faithful!!!

Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers and support!!! I love you and appreciate you so much!!!